Self-Discovery, Then and Now

It’s late. I’m tired. I should be sleeping. But I’m inspired to write, so that won’t be happening any time soon. Inspiration can be so inconvenient sometimes. It’s almost like it comes at the most random time possible to keep you on your guard. It’s an awesome thing, if only you give into it.

First of all, I would like to say that life is good. After an extremely depressing post a month ago, I have recovered nicely. No, it did not take me an entire month to drag myself out of the dumps, but I have my days. I think everyone deserves days. It’s an integral part of life, and let’s admit it- life is sad. However, diversions, people, and laughter make mine just a little more bearable… well, a lot more bearable. It’s easy to dwell on the past, but recently, I found out that I will definitely, as in without a question, be studying in Spain this summer, and the future is looking bright. I’m looking forward to new perspectives, a new culture, and new scenery. I’m looking forward to spending 6 weeks with fellow lovers of Spanish culture, exploring Spain, speaking the language, and living refreshingly. I think I’m going to make it an opportunity to cleanse my mind, renew my spirit, and gain a new passion for life. Some of you people may not know much about Spanish culture, but the Spaniards know how to live. Not as in live like royalty, eating bon-bons and sipping expensive liquor, but living happily, without worrying about every little thing that doesn’t go right in life. One of the famous phrases in Madrid is, “No pasa nada” or “It doesn’t matter.” A typical conversation in Spain might go a little like this, (you) ”I just got robbed on the subway and they took every penny I had! FML!” and the reply (Spaniard) “Ay, nada pasa nada, amigo.” I think that is awesome! And we could all learn something from that, I really hope that  I get a chance to. I’m definitely looking forward to self-discovery and meditation. I know this all seems crazy, but I’m feeling like I’m stuck.  I know who I am, but I need to find myself, and I hope Spain will help me to achieve that.

Now that that’s out of the way, I have something to say, and I sincerely hope this individual reads this. You know, there are people in our lives that somehow we just know were sent there for a purpose. Yes, we may have chance meetings on the street, or a casual conversation with a lost friend, but these people inspire a much deeper relationship, a more profound understanding of something- maybe yourself? your life? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This sounds hopelessly sappy, but I never got a chance to say this stuff, and I need to. In high school, I would consider myself a lost individual, someone searching for answers. Many of your know my family situation, and during my frehsman year, me and my sister made the decision to move in with our Dad. It was a hard decision, and in the midst of this turmoil and instability, I was dealing with issues of self-confidence and self-worth, although I never admitted this to anyone. Yes, I had support and all the love I could ask for at home, but I didn’t have a passion. I was getting through every day, not knowing who I was or what I planned to do with my life with certainty. You see, then, I had a completely different view of life than I do know. Then, perhaps because of my surroundings, I saw life as something to be suffered through the best way you knew how. I saw people around me completely miserable, and doing things to ease the pain that weren’t so noble- including drugs. I had always been taught that this was not the right way to deal with unpleasant situations, and I had no intention of ever doing that. It was just that I didn’t know what I should do to finally be happy, to finally know what I wanted, and to finally make goals to make it happen. And then ladies and gentlemen, I met Mrs. Evelynn Slattery. Scared, excuse my language, shitless, I entered her classroom only to feel even more uncomfortable by her bubbly personality, her smile and laughter, and her passion for Spanish. I want you to know that I would not be the person I am today without having been brave enough to take the 5 years of Spanish with her that I did. Yes, I learned Spanish, and learned it well, but I learned so much more. About myself. About life. About loving. Señora was the first teacher that I ever had in high school that ever cared deeply about me. The only one who took the time to ask how I was not just as a statement, but as a question. There is no doubt in my mind that she helped me find the self-confidense and self-preservation I needed to get through the hard times that I was going through during that period of my life. She instilled a passion in me that helped me discover that life is not something to be endured, it is something to be enjoyed, loved, and taken advantage of. If you would have asked me if I ever would have thought that something as simple as a high school Spanish teacher would have changed my life, I would have told you that you were crazy. Now, I am not so naive, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that she did, and she needs to know it.

Señora, you are a saint, and I am priveleged to have the friendship of you and your family. I love you all dearly. Thank you for giving me a passion, and for showing me that life is a wonderful thing.

-Mateo-