Lost in a Frenzy

I have no doubt that my faithful readers (all 2 of you) have noticed that I haven’t updated in a while. Part of this is simply a lack of time, and another is a lack of motivation when I do have time. After a very restful holiday, I headed back to Mobile very eagerly to greet a new semester. It welcomed me as well, and I feel like it has completely engulfed me. I’m not saying that this is necessarily a bad thing, because I stay busy, but I just feel like I haven’t had a minute to take a breath since it started. I feel myself longing to think, only to find it impossible because of the bombardment of deadlines, expectations that I have to meet, and things I know I have to accomplish. Sometimes, as I’m sure most of you will agree, you just want to call “time out.” Being the realist that I am, I know this is impossible, but that does not decrease any wishful thinking. Sometimes I just need time to evalute my current circumstances to make rational (or seemingly rational) decisions. Who defines rational, though? I think we all have a different opinion on what is rational or “best.” We can only do what we believe to be best, even if everyone around us may not agree. The outcome may end up being a positive consequence or a negative one. But then again, who defines positive or negative consequence? Everything is relative. Some people have not figures this out yet, quite possibly including me.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Lost. Not lost as in without a direction. Lost as in moving at a rapid pace. Faces bluring, lights morphing into dim streaks of nothingness, desires to slow down without means to do so. I feel lost to my surroundings sometimes- without a frame of reference. As I have said, sometimes I wonder if my priorities are really benefitial. Voices around me tell me so, my upbringing tends to suggest so, but I find other people around me branching out bravely with love, spontaneity, and passion. You would never hear anyone say, “Don’t worry about education or the future. Live in the moment, even if it forfeits your entire future.” But… everything is relative, right? I often wonder if I am being too safe. I seem content to stay on the roller-coaster, whizzing through each day. However, I have seen before that the view is much more awe-inspiring when you take a minute to look. Maybe these feelings are caused by lonliness. When I say that I am lonley, I in no way expect sympathy. My lonliness is my choice. I could remedy this sentiment at any time as millions of others have done- meet an average girl, settle for less, and possibly get married in college. I choose not to do this. I don’t feel like I should have to explain myself, but in summary- I won’t settle for less, marriage is not a game of pawns, and providing a decent life for my future family overshadows college romance. Wow, this is getting deeper than I planned to go in this post.

Again, though, maybe I am being too safe. I have a general sense of wonder at what would happen if I hadn’t placed restraints on myself. Will I look back and realize that I would have been happier if I would have let myself be loved? Will I have regrets when I have a great job as a meteorologist, living alone in a distant city? I envy those who seem incapable of worrying about the future, but then again… maybe I don’t. There is still the possibility that I will look back at this time in my life and be thankful that my priorities were what they are. I have not frame of reference. You can’t go through life, and then return to a specific point. Life is irreversable, and that’s what scares me. I’m just looking for my frame of reference.

“Free” by Gavin DeGraw

I’m a poor, I’m a rich.
I’m a mountain, and a ditch.
I’m a dagger, and a shield.
I’m impatient, I’m a yield.

And I wanna be free,
Wind in my hair,
Salt on my skin,
Sun in the air.
I have to feel love,
Holding on me.
I’ll give you everything that you would ever need.

I’m the fight and the dance.
I am heartbreak and romance,
The feather and the stone.
I feel crowded and alone.

And I wanna be free,
Wind in my hair,
Salt on my skin,
Sun in the air.
I have to feel love,
Holding on me.
I’ll give you everything that you would ever need.

And every once in a while,
I wanna sit back and enjoy the view.
I’m feeling my senses,
But woman my life has been surrounded by fences,
But I found some that I could see through,
I could see through.

And I wanna be free,
Wind in my hair,
Salt on my skin,
Sun in the air.
I have to feel love,
Holding on me.
I’ll give you everything that you would ever need.

Everything that you would ever need.
Everything that you would ever need.